Background

This was stowed away for 17 years. Most of it raw art for 16 as I lived. It helped with burnout when I graduated from design school.

Creating it over months while geeking out on electronics and following hackers online oddly kept me sane. It was never meant to be completed. Fast forward mid February 2020 for reasons out of nowhere it finished itself and nagged me to bring it to life. Hope it made you smile.

Being alive is funny. Go be your awesome self!

-ed

Way Too Much Background: A Scenic Route
For the cerebral nut in you that likes to read in a picture book. Grab a cup of your favorite.

This was stowed away for 17 years. Most of it raw art for 16 as I lived. For reasons out of nowhere it finished itself and held me at knife point since mid February 2020 to bring it to life.

It was born from burnout and deep uncertainty when I graduated from design school in 2003. Leaving a $6.75/hr before-tax part time inventory job to go all in, owing $80K+ in debt even with big scholarships just for a shot in life seemed legit. The education was great but I was unfulfilled. Didn't know why but I just felt shaky about what I learned for the 'real world' to come. Who was I to question?

Not much of a drinker, I drove aimlessly for nearly 4 hours the night before graduation. Prior to that I skipped an important grad show that I prepped for where I was supposed to showcase my work and meet prospective employers. Having had ridiculously little sleep for a week and feeling sour I didn't care for the ceremony and nearly skipped it as well. Went only to finish my 3 and a half year journey with awesome talent that I was lucky enough to call friends and teachers. The degree felt hollow.

I was completely lost.

Artwork for this book began as an addition to one of my final projects. No story or further plans, just one page out of nowhere. Even then there was a piercing nag inside. This is NOT Industrial Design! Not a shiny object for your portfolio! They'll think you're an illustrator who wants to do children's books. What the hell are you doing with your time?! People can't see beyond it! No one with a black turtleneck will care!

Loan money was low and I refused to go further in debt or split my energy for a part time job but there I was, months of solitary work after graduation for reasons I couldn't explain drawing away expanding on what I started. It wasn't the ostrich effect nor a fallback. I don't even like drawing! Yes, present tense. Doing this while building computers from scrap, learning about data structure, and tailing hackers on Usenet bulletins to glimpse how programs were cracked oddly kept me sane.

I was supposed to fan my portfolio like peacock feathers. Attract important handshakes so I can get a big name company on my resume for more big names in the future. Maybe get an elite title and get so rich I won't know how much detergent costs. Market Market Market. Fall. In. Line. That didn't sound so bad. I worked hard for the chance. My peers were killing it.

But I wasn't doing it. It wasn't me, I wasn't me and not in the right mindset.

It was rent or food? I rationed and starved pretending to stretch time with unhealthy dedication to the artwork for almost 2 months. Ran out of money and moved back home with my parents still lost but continued on. At that point my loans were priority next to helping family since I saw early glimpses of my father's little ailments and silently slipping bills.

This wasn't part of my official portfolio. It went into the 'what do I do with it?' pile in the dark after I felt less empty. It didn't matter, there was 0 interest from companies after 6 months of trying. Calling back the inventory job was heavy. A crisp 'told you so' echoed inside when loans were due.

Fortunately I got a job designing educational toys instead. A friend graciously referred me. I didn't want to do toys ...'told you so' was pretty loud.

Fast forward to now March 2020 with plenty of personal growth, having this old project nag is perplexing. What the heck? I don't need it anymore! When the core thought behind the sentence hit me really hard and latched to the art in that sequence weeks ago, I knew there was no peace until I 'finished' it. The knife felt really sharp.

So I 'finished' the artwork. Nothing. I felt a mini 'yay' but no triumphant marathon-mountain-scaling fist pump. It was a BIG sigh instead ...it wasn't done.

What was I missing? Since the arc changed the only thing I could think of was to share it with the world. OK ...that actually felt better. Then I started to write this background and immediately felt a slow release. I stopped at the short version but it felt like a rushed shower with missed crevices. Prominent relief came from reflecting on my relationship with being lost, so here's a little more about it and its impact on the artwork. Hopefully this is THE treat to get this monkey off my back.

Today I embrace being lost.

Far from numb you're centered, from always establishing new emotional and mental pivots. Not condescension or bravado, but present and attentive. From inception the art and direction was everywhere. It was my garbled self. With a forced story and plenty of development behind it unseen the whole thing had no reason to exist. It died a natural death each time I re-centered when life pushed. I'm glad.

Self awareness goes up, enough to be brutally honest with yourself and easily own up to things. Impulse from unexpected results goes from reactive assumptions to proactive high value questions. The artwork was more a tool each time it died. It felt trite trying to make it anything else. I didn't mind it never seeing daylight again.

Your emotional antenna is more receptive to the broader cadence of complex conflicting feelings. The many times I had to choose between rent, debt, food, career, sanity, self worth, and making time to help family and ease my father before the end allowed me to get better at feeling wider deeper undulations without being robotic or stoic to put the next foot forward. You're not immune to depression's lurking or gnawing on low points but you can catch it early to do something positive about it. Keeping this artwork as a tool was my positive. I could've easily burned it.

Being lost keeps you passionate about learning and branching out 360° to sort your path. Since the artwork was a tool with a mind of its own to become a different tool, I needed to step back to see it wasn't for me anymore and finish it before letting go.

All of this gave me clarity on why I was unfulfilled in the first place.

School can't teach you how to breathe. I was suffocating after graduation.

My subconscious needed to learn how at its own pace, to center my core. On one side I was retooling my mind for a world I saw emerging with the tech and hacking exploration. On the other tuning my heart to get a better hold of emotions that govern systems in the name of design with this artwork. This counterbalanced my rigid Industrial Design training. Both sides complement each other for a deeper wider skill set I was after but couldn't grasp. Essentially I couldn't contort my thoughts to leverage my instincts and natural strengths of abstraction to create mental tools for 'real world' complexities, like a truly skilled designer should. I wasn't mature enough to comprehend that as my own bar let alone jump over it, but I felt it.

I can now.

This ability makes complex problems feel like a blank jigsaw puzzle. One with no edges or corners for reference, that needs to be put together in a particular order to slowly reveal an image that shows you why it was important in the first place. You minimize bias and tread lightly with formulas along the way.

It became central to my approach in consumer product development as an Industrial Designer. I'm more aware of the kinetics of a problem and how to adjust hidden pieces for flow. It could be the timing of intentional failure, order of information, style of artwork, or ideas omitted so others can arrive at it with guidance to ease tension between people.

You address unrecognized critical needs and motivators behind project briefs and communication pecking order through nonverbal empathy by softening and hardening aspects of collaboration. It has helped companies big and small, individuals and teams through tough spots on a variety of projects when their process or other design methodologies wasn't working for them.

As a whole being lost and centered gives you no choice but to understand your own notion of persistence. Mine is getting a feel for what, when, where, why, and how to pause. That rhythmic flow is just always part of the mystery and journey that I never expect to master. You can feel it when you get in the zone. Evolving like this makes me 'flow with the go' and stay open about interpreting things in life along the way without resorting to filling in the blanks to fit a narrative, just like the meaning behind this book.

So that's the crux of it. I'm not empty anymore. Driving 4 hours wasn't enough. I needed 17 years, a little tunnel vision, and this backstory in words to learn that I enjoy knowing the price of detergent.

Uncertain roads are always ahead so I'm truly grateful to key individuals that have helped me grow along the way and for the foundation my education and first toy job had set. Can't help but have the deepest respect for others who have given up much much more for greater goals.

This book is closure and I'm very happy to share it. Hope it made you smile. Not being held hostage by an aggressive monkey is nice too!

Here's to dedicating your time to these words, your will, tenacity, and brutal honesty with yourself to build resilience in your truest form for anything this crazy world hurls at you and doing something great with that. We seem to need it now more than ever in 2020.

-ed

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

An eternal thank you to my mother Janet and my late father Eddie. Immigrants who sacrificed to raise 4 children, especially supporting a son that 'likes to draw' regardless of any stigmas. The art existed and survived because of them.

A special deep warm thank you to my partner, Sumi. Finishing wouldn't have been possible without your support, patience, and everything throughout the years. It means the world when you make adjustments for my ailments and whining so we can still enjoy the little things, especially for reminding me I ate the chocolate.

Extra gratitude to peers, colleagues, classmates, and teachers who have unwittingly helped me grow personally and professionally with your unexpected gestures. You fueled the completion of this book.

In no particular order of importance I want to thank you for:
Stan K. Going beyond, making time, despite touching hundreds of lives, to support and shape my growth from the start on multiple levels and providing outlets to share raw work with your students.
Norm S. Letting me plant the seed for the artwork and making time to talk at your home studio when I popped up out of nowhere several times while I was lost. You were taken much too soon from this world.
Gaylord E. Punishing me with 49 pages of sketches plus the assignment due in the next session because of 1 missed assignment, on top of my other classes, is THE reason I have an unhealthy gear to finish.
Nick T. Opening your doors and taking a chance with someone who looks at things very differently and bending for me to be at the helm for your clients.
Eric P. Hiring me, flexing in many ways to accommodate my quirks and making the toy company the best first step I could have taken.
Katie. B., Maryam Z., Tony C., Doug B., Robert L. Being awesome coworkers and friends that made developing educational toys fun and helped me be present.
Matt N. Friendship on the full journey with many laughs in-between and trust in collaborating on multiple projects as we grew.
Ian S. Trusting in me with your employer's challenges when I was lost. You left this world too soon.
Jan R. Willingness to refer me, making time many years later after we lost contact to share your thoughts when I needed some insight. Still owe you a drink.
Riae Y. Brutally honest friendship that I deeply appreciated from the start and referring me. Still owe you a jewelers hammer.
Joy B. Consistent kindness and friendship all the way to the real world, especially referring me to the toy job.

'Puzzle' for this story created along the way.

ABOUT

Edward Cheung is an Industrial Designer and creative octopus who has no business being an author.

When he's not tending to his cats in Sunnyvale, CA, he's pulsing across tides of new, cycling through pigments and textures to blend knowledge nooks using tech as tentacles hunting for improvements in design and development hidden between densely packed shells of tradition.

Bug him at edBook@produximity.com or comment to let him have it.